Aftermath
by Shibata Kimiko
Summary: What happens when the world is rebuilt, but a girl finds it's impossible to do the same for a human heart? One-shot.


(Author's Note: This was originally the last chapter of the story "Restoration", but on further consideration I decided to remove it from there and make it a standalone story. There are no content changes, as this chapter already FELT like a standalone to me even when I was writing it. Moving this to its own story has the added benefit of giving "Restoration" a noticeably more upbeat ending, though happy endings in Eva stories usually aren't my thing. For those of you who have never read this before, don't worry. You don't need to read "Restoration" to get it. Enjoy.)

Asuka Langley Sohryu woke slowly, groaning. She'd been having dreams about those first days again…her therapist said she probably always would, but that didn't make the dreams any less annoying. She rolled out of bed, stretching and heading for the shower. As the hot water poured down over her, she reflected briefly on how much things had changed since those first few months on the beach. More and more people had come back each day. Society had rebuilt itself along pretty much the same lines as before. All over the world, the old countries were re-established, though occasionally with different borders as one group or another grabbed land they hadn't previously held. Asuka had considered going back to Germany several times, but each time she decided that she was too used to Japan to leave. It was home to her now, she supposed. Besides, she was famous there. Here, nobody knew who she was other than the former NERV staff and her friends from school. She found that she didn't really mind that, even though she'd always loved attention. She'd rather just forget about NERV and the Evas at this point. It was too painful to think about them. Bad enough that her missing left eye and amputated right arm were constant reminders…

Asuka stepped out of the shower, quickly dressing and making herself toast. If she didn't hurry, she'd be late for class. After throwing textbooks and a laptop into her messenger bag, she grabbed the next bus to stop at her apartment building. The sun was just rising over Osaka, brilliant shafts of light arcing and almost seeming to ricochet through girders and construction equipment. The city was still being rebuilt, but it was already a thriving metropolis, full of the reborn who were working together to bring their world back to normal. She'd rather be living in Tokyo-3, but the crater where the Geofront had once rested had been sealed off and declared a no-entry zone. The city was gone forever, and nobody had yet tried to reach the Black Moon, which was still in orbit around Earth. A few scattered transmissions had been detected from it recently, but nobody knew who was making them or how. Asuka sighed quietly, briefly allowing herself to wonder if anyone was alive up there. Her thoughts were interrupted as Hikari Horaki plopped down next to her, bubbly and happy as usual. Hikari had been a lot happier since reuniting with her boyfriend Toji, to the point where Asuka sometimes couldn't bear her company. How could anyone be that cheerful all the time? It was baffling. Asuka had trouble even working up a smile most days, so seeing someone so carefree only made her feel worse. Hikari never seemed to notice her friend's depression, though, or else she was purposely ignoring it.

"Morning, Asuka!"

Asuka sighed, still staring out the bus window at the rising sun. "Morning, Hikari."

"So, are you excited?"

"For what?"

Hikari giggled, assuming Asuka was joking. "For your BIRTHDAY, Asuka! We're throwing that party for you tonight, remember?"

Asuka winced slightly. She'd completely forgotten, both about her birthday and the party Hikari and Toji were planning to throw for her. She was officially 21 years old today. A part of her was still shocked that she'd survived this long. Even after Shinji's clumsy but effective medical care, she'd still lost her arm. They gave her a prosthetic, but it was uncomfortable and the fingers didn't always work right. They couldn't do anything for her eye, so they just gave her an eyepatch and told her to be sure to keep foreign objects out of the ocular cavity. She'd thought about suicide a lot after he hooked up with Misato, as well. She just couldn't cope with the idea that he would choose Misato over HER. After her third suicide attempt, though, her friends made her start seeing a therapist, who she'd been with ever since. It had helped a lot. She was still unhappy and bitter, but she didn't want to kill herself all the time anymore. She'd even dated a couple guys, though neither of them really interested her. She hadn't even heard from Shinji or Misato since they moved in together, though. They'd abandoned her, just like she knew they would. That's why she could only ever count on herself. Nobody else would be there for her when she needed them.

Asuka sighed, realizing Hikari was still waiting for an answer. "Oh, right…the party. Sorry, Kari. I forgot."

Hikari laughed. "You're ALWAYS forgetting things, Asuka! That's okay. Remember, I'm picking you up at 5 PM, alright? And dress nice. Toji's dad got us reservations at that new place downtown."

Asuka nodded, her friend's happy babbling going in one ear and out the other. What was the point of celebrating? So what if she was a year older now? The only difference it made was that she was taller than last year and a little more filled out. She wasn't any more mature, or any happier, or even any SMARTER. She did fine in her university classes, but she wasn't anything special. She never had been, she'd realized. She always THOUGHT she was special, but she saw now that she was always average at best. So what if she had a college degree? It was in WRITING, something any monkey with a pencil could do. She'd never beaten an Angel on her own when she was a pilot. She'd gotten taken to the cleaners more than once. Even WONDERGIRL had been a better pilot, and she was the one who was always marked "substandard" on evaluations. She knew she shouldn't be thinking about piloting again, but somehow her mind always came back to that part of her life. It had defined her in several ways. She'd grown up training to be a pilot. It was all she'd ever wanted. When her turn came, she failed miserably. She wasn't an egotistical little brat anymore, so she could actually admit that her failures were her own fault, but that didn't make them hurt any less.

"Asuka? Asuka, are you listening?"

Asuka finally looked over at Hikari, slightly annoyed at having her thoughts interrupted. "What?"

Hikari smiled. "I asked if you wanted us to invite Shinji. Toji's still in touch with him, and…well, I know you haven't seen him in a while, and since you guys woke up together, I thought it might be nice for the two of you to reunite, y'know? A nice way to start off your life as a full-fledged adult?"

Asuka shook her head. "Don't bother." She sighed, slightly bitter and resentful. "The moron wouldn't show up even if you invited him. He's probably forgotten all about me."

Hikari nodded. She tried to ask another question, but the din of people exiting the bus as it arrived at Osaka University drowned out her voice. Asuka stood, pushing past Hikari and leaving the bus, trying to avoid any more of Hikari's awkward attempts at dragging Asuka back into the social scene. Hikari was nice, but she didn't seem to understand that Asuka wasn't interested anymore. Socializing just didn't work for her. Being around people just…irritated her after a while. She'd find herself picking out every little flaw in the people around her, then browbeating them with it until they hated her. She didn't MEAN to do it, but it seemed to just…happen. It happened at school as well, whenever they had to work in study groups. Thankfully, today she only had two classes, so she was done at lunch.

Her classes passed without incident, and noon found Asuka sitting on a bench near the university's wooded central park, quietly eating her bento. For some reason, Hikari's mention of Shinji this morning was stuck in her head. She tried to avoid thinking about him as much as possible, a behavior her therapist disliked but tolerated since whenever Asuka DID think about him, she went into crying fits or started smashing things. Today felt different, though. She stared into the distance, eating mechanically as she remembered what it was like living with Shinji Ikari. He was quiet, unassuming, and tried to stay out of everyone's way. Granted, he was often sarcastic, but it was more endearing than annoying now that she thought about it. She'd treated him like crap, making him do all her chores and put up with her mess, but he rarely if ever complained. To be honest, he'd been a good housemate, even if she HAD caught him staring at her butt more than once. Most of the reason she'd mistreated him had been her own fears. She was afraid of him being a better pilot than her, of him stealing the attention she thought was "hers"…and, though she hadn't even admitted this to HERSELF at the time, she was afraid because she was starting to like him and get attached to him. When he'd been absorbed into Unit 01, she was just as scared and upset as Misato.

Her thought shifted slightly as she recalled the day she'd come home from a "date" and found him playing his cello. She hadn't known he could play ANYTHING at that point, and hearing the emotion in the piece he was playing had made her want to cry. It was obvious to her even then that he was in the same boat she was. They were both scared, lonely children, doing things children should never have to do. Granted, she hadn't recognized that back then, but she was mature enough now to see it for what it was. She cared about him. That's why she hadn't insulted his playing. At that moment, for reasons she hadn't understood back then, she didn't want to hurt him. She just wanted to listen.

Asuka sighed, pulling out her cell phone and dialing her therapist's number. She waited as the phone rang several times, praying that the woman would answer. Finally, the phone clicked.

Her therapist's warm, feminine voice came on the line. "Hello?"

"Dr. Ishii? It's Asuka…can I talk to you for a minute?"

The older woman sounded concerned. "Of course, Asuka. I'm not busy. What's going on?"

Asuka sighed. "Well…I've been thinking about Shinji a lot…"

Dr. Ishii sighed. "Asuka, I've told you before, you have to let go of your feelings for him."

Asuka gulped, her next words slow and cautious. "Well, that's the thing. You're always talking about closure. What if I finally went and told him how I feel about him? Would that give me closure?"

The line was silent for several moments. Asuka crossed her fingers, silently hoping that her therapist would forbid her from doing it, or give her some other excuse to back out.

No such luck.

"I think that'd be an excellent idea, Asuka. When are you planning to do it?"

Asuka sighed. She knew it was the right thing to do, but the part of her mind that was still 14 and stubborn was screaming at her to stay away, not to show him this weakness or leave herself open to the potential pain. She shoved it down, forcing herself to take the plunge. "I'm going right now."

Dr. Ishii sounded pleased, almost enthusiastic. "Alright, Asuka. Let me know how it turns out, alright?"

Asuka sighed. "Of course. I'll see you for our session next week. TTYL, doc."

She hung up, sighing. She was committed now. She couldn't back out of an action when she'd promised someone else she'd get it done. A quick call to Hikari supplied her with Shinji's address. Asuka was surprised. He was living in one of the older sections of town, a rough area. Last Asuka had checked, Misato was a colonel with the UN Armed Forces. They should be able to afford a nice place, not some old dump like the ones that filled the old parts of the city. She sighed again, realizing that the address actually wasn't far from the university. She could save herself some bus fare by walking, which was an important factor since her part-time job at the student bookstore didn't exactly pay big bucks. After one last check to be sure she had all of her materials, Asuka stood and started the trip over to Shinji's apartment.

As she walked, she wondered why she was doing this. She'd been lying to Ishii when she said it was for closure. She didn't care about stuff like that. Shinji was probably happily married to Misato by now, though she hadn't seen an announcement in the paper or anything. Heck, maybe they even had kids. Asuka's nose wrinkled at this thought, since it brought unwanted mental images of Shinji and Misato boning. She shook her head quickly to remove the images. Why was she going to just barge into their lives like this? She had no reason to. She had no RIGHT to. She should probably just turn around right now and go home.

Except…

She couldn't give up the hope that by some fluke, he cared about her. That he'd wanted her all along, and that he'd only chosen Misato because her cold attitude and immaturity had driven him away. That was really it, wasn't it? She still wanted him, and she was hoping he felt the same.

Eventually, she made it to Shinji's building. Her initial guess had been right. The place looked seedy, as if the landlord didn't put much energy into things like cleaning the outside of the building or replacing broken windows. The inside was a little better. The walls were painted grey, and the carpet was old but clean. Asuka made her way up to the fifth floor, which was a bit tricky since the building had no elevator and balancing was difficult for her with her missing arm. Far too soon for her comfort, she was standing in front of unit 501. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and knocked on the door. After undoing at least three locks, the door opened to reveal Shinji Ikari.

Asuka's first reaction was shock. The last time she'd seen Shinji, he was short and weak. Not anymore. He had grown several inches taller and developed actual muscles. He still wasn't BULKY, but he looked like he got regular exercise. His hair was a little longer as well, which threw her off. She shifted her weight awkwardly from one foot to the other, looking down at Shinji's feet.

"Umm…hi…"

To her surprise, Shinji wrapped her in a kind hug. He smiled, tone warm and inviting. "Asuka! I haven't seen you in forever! Would you like to come in?"

Faced with this unexpected display of warmth, Asuka's former sarcastic self kicked in momentarily. "Well, I would, but you're kind of crushing me to death."

Shinji let go, rubbing the back of his head with an embarrassed chuckle. "Umm….yeah, sorry about that. I keep forgetting I'm not a twig anymore. Come on in. I'll put some tea on, okay?"

Asuka nodded, following as Shinji led her inside. She looked around, noting the slight air of disrepair about the apartment, despite its nicely painted walls and neat, sparse decorations. "So…uhh…why are you living here? Can't Misato afford someplace better?"

"Oh, Misato and I broke up a few years ago. Kaji came back into the picture, and she went with him."

Asuka was shocked, both at this news and ad the calm manner in which Shinji delivered it. "You don't sound upset about that…"

Shinji shrugged, filling a teapot with water and setting it on the small natural-gas range, then turning to face Asuka, smiling. "I guess I'm not. I mean, I knew she loved Kaji. When he came back, I kind of figured they'd get back together, and I let her go. There's no point in fighting things you can't stop, right?"

Asuka sighed. Shinji obviously hadn't changed much personality-wise. "I guess not."

Shinji nodded. "How's your arm?"

Asuka shifted slightly, half-reaching for the stump where her prosthetic attached to what remained of her original arm. She stopped herself before finishing the motion, clearing her throat. "It still hurts a bit, but the doctors say it's always going to."

Shinji nodded again, awkwardly glancing at the arm, then back to her eye, then looking around his kitchen. It was clear to Asuka that just looking at her was uncomfortable for him. She sighed, deciding to change the subject before things got out of hand. "So, what are you doing for work now?"

Shinji smiled. "Oh, I'm working for the library system. I like it. It's quiet, it's calm, and as long as I do my job properly nobody really notices me. How about you?"

Asuka paused for a moment before replying, realizing that Shinji HAD changed. He'd gone back to the way Misato had described him as being when he first moved in with her. He was happy being a nobody, being completely invisible. Who could live like that? Even though she didn't want fame, Asuka enjoyed being praised and noticed in class. Shinji…it seemed like he could be happy if nobody ever acknowledged him again. Was it the same with him as it was with her? Was he simply trying to stay anonymous, avoiding the notoriety that knowledge of his past as an Eva pilot would bring? Or was it that he was honestly happy this way?

"Asuka?" Shinji looked concerned, as if her lack of an answer was something dangerous.

Asuka shook her head. "Sorry. Got lost in thought, I guess. Anyway, I work at the university bookstore."

Shinji smiled. "Are you studying there?"

Asuka nodded, unable to stop a small, proud grin from spreading across her face. "Yup. Pre-med."

Shinji beamed, surprising Asuka with his earnest happiness. "I'm glad, Asuka. You deserve something great like that."

Asuka sighed, realizing that if she didn't get it out soon, she never would. "Listen, Shinji…I didn't come over just to visit. There's something I need to say to you, okay? I just need you to listen until I'm done."

Shinji nodded, looking slightly apprehensive. Asuka took a deep breath, hesitant. "I…I love you. I have ever since we lived together back…back then. I couldn't ever admit it or act like it because I was a stubborn little brat with more pride than common sense. I'm sorry for all the abuse I heaped on you, okay? And…I want to be with you."

Silence descended on the pair as they stared at each other across the tiny kitchen. To her dismay, Asuka realized that Shinji's expression was quickly sliding from happiness to caution. She knew it. She'd said too much. She shouldn't have come here, she shouldn't have told him. It was a mistake all along. Still…she couldn't bring herself to leave, not before she'd heard his reply. There was still a chance that she was wrong, that she was misreading him, that he'd suddenly crack into a huge smile, hug her, and tell her he'd waited for her to say that.

It didn't happen.

Shinji cleared his throat, nervous and somewhat embarrassed. "Asuka…I never felt that way about you. To…to tell you the truth…I was in love with Rei. I still am, I guess. But either way, Asuka…you're my friend. I don't love you, not in a romantic way."

Asuka's face fell. She'd known it. She knew he didn't love her. She was such an idiot…always an idiot. Always a failure. Pain and sadness began welling up inside her, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. "How can you love someone who's DEAD, idiot?"

Shinji sighed. "I don't think Rei IS dead, Asuka. See…I still see her sometimes. I'll see her watching me from a crowd, or from a nearby window, or I'll spot her walking down a side street. She'll only be there for a second, but it's HER. I can never catch up to her before she disappears, but I'm still hoping that someday she'll show up at my door like you did today. She'll ask to come in, and we'll sit down and talk, and things will be okay again. Until then…I'm waiting for her. I'm sorry, Asuka. I really am."

Asuka didn't reply. She couldn't. She had nothing to say to that. She'd opened herself up to him, admitted to her most personal secret, and he was rejecting her. He was pushing her away. She should've known it was impossible. As she began to cry harder, Asuka realized that part of her HAD known this would happen. The teenager inside her was screaming at her. It was telling her that she was a moron for ever trying this, that she should have known better. It was telling her that she should have known not to rely on someone else. Shinji frowned, sorrow all over his face as he stepped toward her.

"Asuka…look, I'm sorry. Do you want to stick around for a bit?" He gave her a tentative smile. "I really AM glad to see you, y'know."

Asuka lashed out blindly, catching Shinji across the face and knocking him to the floor. She ran from the apartment as he yelped in pain, running down the stairs headlong, not caring about the possibility of falling and injuring herself. She ran for almost three hours, not even realizing where she was going until she tripped, skidding on soft white sand. She lay there for a while, sobbing and cursing herself for being so weak and stupid. When she finally looked up, she realized that she was less than ten feet from the graves. The markers Shinji had dug in their first days here were still standing, the setting sun making each one appear as an ebony memorial to a life lost. Most of those remembered here had returned to life, of course, but the power of the gesture remained. Asuka stared at them for a moment, her face slowly going blank as she realized that there was nothing left for her. Finding a piece of driftwood similar to those buried in the sand, she slowly carved her name into it with a pocketknife. She embedded this marker in the sand next to Misato's, then stood, leaving her bag on the sand. She walked slowly into the surf, closing her eye. Underneath her agony, a small part of her wondered if the people still absorbed into the superentity in the ocean would accept her. Whether they did or didn't, though, it didn't really matter. Either way, she'd never feel pain again. She began swimming, her biological and mechanical arms taking turns pulling her through the water until she was far out to sea, out where the water was still blood-red.

Asuka turned, taking in one last long look at the city she'd been living in, then allowed herself to sink.

As she descended into the blood-scented water, she took a deep breath. As her vision faded out, her last thought was of Shinji. She hoped he could be happy.

* * *

Shinji Ikari was sitting in his apartment, grieving. Asuka's drowned body had been found on the shore three days ago. He'd seen it on the news after work. They'd said that it appeared she'd committed suicide, an act almost unheard-of among those who'd returned. Since then he'd been sitting on his couch in the dark apartment, staring at a wall. It was storming outside, which fit his mood. He knew it was his fault. If he'd just gone with it and pretended to love her back, she would've been happy. Thanks to him, she was dead again. This time, he knew, she wouldn't return. No matter what he did, no matter where he went, he made things worse for people. He was just like his father…

His thoughts were interrupted by a thump from the floor above. Shinji sat up, frowning. The only thing above him was the roof, and nobody went up there except him. He stood slowly, hoping that it was just his imagination, heading for the rooftop access. As he emerged onto the rain-swept rooftop, his eyes widened in shock. Rei Ayanami was standing on the roof, facing him, her expression as calm and emotionless as he always remembered it. He couldn't believe that she was here, finally. His sorrow at Asuka's death was buried under a flood of excitement, though even that was tainted by guilt. He knew he didn't deserve to have his dream come true, especially not after what happened to Asuka. He stepped out onto the roof, not caring that he was instantly soaked by the rain.

"Rei!"

She said nothing, simply watching as Shinji approached, one tentative step at a time. He stopped three steps from her, not daring to come closer lest she disappear again. He spoke quietly, somehow having no doubt that she could hear him. The words that came out of his mouth surprised him, though. "Rei…Asuka's dead."

Rei nodded once, solemn, her red eyes somehow seeming to see past the surface and peer into his mind. It was simultaneously awkward and calming for Shinji. It meant she understood how he was feeling, what he was thinking. "I know. She is part of me now."

Shinji blinked, confused. "She's part of…Rei, what does that mean?"

Instead of replying, Rei vanished, leaving Shinji alone on the rooftop with this cryptic line. After a moment, its full meaning hit him. Asuka was dead but alive. She'd been absorbed into that…THING out in the ocean. He'd never see her again unless he killed himself the same way. Somehow, he also knew he wouldn't see Rei again after today. As the rain fell harder, Shinji sank to his knees, sobbing on the roof. His tears mixed with the water running down his face. To any observer, it would seem that the entire world was crying for and with this broken young man.

THE END


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